amputation (a poem)

reflecting on november 2nd, 2005

I would have made a liar out of anyone who said your life started ending that day
Nestled into a plastic red chair and forest green walls, I mean an actual forest, painted with branches and trees, leaves and soft, steady beeps 
(no, that was the IV) never mind, you were
Bent over your leg, drawing on it with Sharpie,
Laughing, you were so alive
Facing the mightiest horrors and
Telling them your best jokes
You were bulletproof, you were so big, 
You made a mockery of your monsters
Even as they dragged you down

So much so that it didn’t matter what happened 
when they led you down to the gurney
Told you they were ready
And you started to cry 

I could allow you that moment
Yes, I made the exception
Letting your screams reach the ceiling
Filling out the corners of my mind
I did that for you, invincible you, because you were so alive

And I don’t believe anyone who puts their faith in your grave
It can’t be, I feel you in every step, small and
Powerful, and you are so alive
You live through the cackle that escapes my chest, I can’t control it
The butter that binds my bakes together, soft and golden
You rattle out my lungs like an old song
Handed down to the people who love me, who would have loved you 
So if what they say is true, if life dripped out of you,
then let the liars keep digging, because you live in me.